I miss you.
I remember when we met as if it were yesterday. It was Caroline's surprise 17th birthday. I was 15 and you were 19. We had just met and we stayed up until dawn talking. Little did I know, 20 years later, that you and I would be the last ones up talking before you left this world.
You were this gentle, kind soul who I instantly adored. You and I would always huddle together at any gathering and talk endlessly about books we were devouring, music we were passionate about and movies we just had to have the other see. You were one of my best friends - and we made a promise to one another that we were going to pick up right where we left off when I got back from Africa. I remember every dinner we had together - especially all of the ones we shared with Steve and Smiley - i always had so much fun going out with my boys. I remember every trip we took - to Baker, to Mexico, to Vegas, to San Fran, to North Carolina - always surrounded by our amazing circle of friends. You would have been so moved to see our house full of all of those who loved you within hours of hearing of your death. You were adored by everyone who knew you. We all hugged, shared tears and swapped countless funny memories. We all loved you for different reasons because there was so much you gave to so many. I laugh (and cringe of course) when I think back to all the times we shared at the house of slack - our icy breath in front of us as we all huddled together under countless sleeping bags to stay warm. I love thinking about the times we shared in New West and playing baseball on the Dust. But I can't talk about you in the past tense. You are too much a part of my present, a part of who I am. I love you and am so happy that I got to tell you. And you told me that because you loved me, you needed to tell me first that you were gay. I held that secret to myself until you were ready to tell the world. And when you did, I was so proud of you. I am still so happy that you lived as you were meant to live. I'm so blessed that I got to see you the night before you died. We laughed and hugged and it felt just like old times. You and I sat on the sofa and talked until dawn-genuinely interested in one another's lives. We told each other we loved one another and you kissed me goodbye. We are all going to live for you. I carry you with me in my days and I am taking you with me to Africa. You are now a part of who I am. You are now a part of everyone who had the priviledge and honour of knowing you. I love you and always will.
I miss you.
